What Do I Do All Day?

Because inquiring (husband) minds want to know, here's a typical morning with me. Fairly mundane, truly exasperating, but here it is:

6:30am - rudely awoken by the sound of: (choose any/all)
a) Pugs hacking (barfing) up something downstairs.
b) "Mommy, I had an accident". (wait, I thought you were potty-trained!)
c) Sounds of "Lego Star Wars" on the computer.
d) SLAM.... SLAM... SLAM...WEEEHHHEEEEE...WHEEEEEEEEEE...WEEEERRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! (this is both DH loudly closing door, not on purpose but the door shuts very loudly, and the weed wacker &/or mower from our community gardeners).

6:45 - Desperately trying to go back to sleep, so repeat any of the above steps about 2 to 3 times. Whatever is most annoying.

7:00am - Grateful that spouse has fed child a bowl of cereal downstairs. Can go back to sleep for awhile longer.

7:30am - Hear loud thumping/crashing noises downstairs. Crap. Must get up and investigate. Will feel really really guilty if don't get up now. (Bad Mommy!) Never mind couldn't get to sleep until 3:30... Stagger downstairs to see that son has:

a) Tied up one of the dogs
b) Turned the TV to some horrible channel (I thought we blocked Court TV?!!) and is reacting badly to what he sees. (I know, I know, Nancy Grace causes me to do that, too!)
c) Has rigged up a 'computer' made from kitchen twine, cereal boxes, hand tools and various electrical wires he wasn't supposed to get into. (not plugged in ones, though).
d) All of the above.

7:31am - Realize that while spouse did feed the child, he neglected to clean up the dog messes on the floor that they so nicely left. They ARE "stealth pooers", and could've done this in between hubby leaving for work and me getting up. Pugs are not known for their ability to 'hold it'.

7:32am - Grumbling, grab floor cleaner and an entire roll of paper towels to deal with dog mess. Son exclaims he's still hungry and wants "5 pieces of bacon and eggs with the yellow part cooked".

7:45am - Cook second breakfast for son, (2 pieces of bacon, where are the eggs?) grab my morning Diet Pepsi (my version of caffeine for the day), and gratefully sink into a chair to read the paper.

7:55 am - Pugs barf up something right near the kitchen table, sigh, get up and clean up barf.
Sit back down to paper and diet soda.

7:57am - Son wants juice. Calmly tell son to wait a few minutes while mommy finishes her soda & tries to wake up.

7:59am - Son "reminds" me that he still wants juice in case I've forgotten.

8:00am - Caesar decides he needs to go outside to the potty NOW. Get up let dog out.

8:02am - Louie decides he also needs out.

8:03am - Louie doesn't actually have to go potty, he's bored and wants to bark at the neighbors dog.

8:05am - Stand in front of the back door with drapery panel over me trying to cover myself because I'm still in my jammies. (Neighbors do not need to see my red flannel scotty-dog jammies, cute as they are). Try not to yell at the dog to come in, but now he knows I'm pissed at him and refuses to come inside and will not stop the barking.

8:06am - Son reminds me that he is still really really thirsty.

8:07am - Tell son that if he'll get Louie back into the house, I'll get him his juice.

8:08am - Louie is finally back inside, but Caesar wants to sit out in the sun. Have son try and coax him back inside. (Short-nose breed dogs cannot tolerate heat).

8:15am - Encourage son to finish breakfast. So far he's only had a few bites. Says juice filled him up.

8:40am - Give up on son finishing breakfast.

8:45am - Start breakfast dishes. Son wants a snack. Says he's hungry now. With patience thinning, explain that I just threw away his breakfast so there's no way he's getting anything else.

9:00am - Head upstairs to get ready. Gratefully jump into shower.

9:02am - Son pokes his head into bathroom to show me his latest Lego creation. Explain for the hundreth time that when mommy's door is closed, she needs privacy. Son cries, slams door.

9:25am - Out of shower. Hear a crash in son's room. Don't hear crying, but should check anyway. Run, wrapped in towel, to room. Son has emptied every Lego he owns onto the floor. Huge mess. Tell him to clean it up. Son cries bitterly.

9:35am - Finally have clothes on!

9: 40am - It's the boy's time to get ready. Tell him, "brush your teeth, I'll be checking my e-mail". HA!

9:42am - Son comes running into office, "there's a spider in my bathroom, Mommy, kill it!".
Go kill spider. Command son to brush.

9:50am - "Have you finished brushing yet?" No. Decided to bring Lego's into bathroom and play instead.

10:00am - Give up on son brushing his own teeth and brush them for him.

10:05am - Tell son to get dressed.

10:10am - Check on dressing status. Still in underwear. Yesterday's no less. Tell son to change underwear and "GET DRESSED".

10:12am - Peek into his room, "Mom I need some PRIVACY". Scowl and tell him to get dressed one more time. Tell him he has to be dressed within 5 minutes.

10:18am - Come back into son's room. We have partial dressing success. Hover over him until he's completed dressing & no you're not getting privacy if you can't get dressed in a timely manner. ( I think my son's the only 5 year old who knows what a 'timely manner' means).

10:20am - Double-check son's bathroom for cleanliness status. He has smeared toothpaste everywhere. Stop, clean mess up. Notice that son has peed around toilet bowl. Decide that you can't possibly wash hands one more time for at least another hour so put off cleaning that until afternoon.

10:25am - Go back downstairs and notice that one of the dogs has now peed in the living room. Swear under breathe so son doesn't hear. Kick dogs outside while cleaning up mess.

10:26am - Louie starts barking again. Kick him back into the house.

10:29am - Son announces that he's hungry. Wants a "bad snack" (this means candy or anything bad for him). Tell him NO, since he didn't eat most of the good breakfast we made for him, he can have an apple or yogurt. Fortunately son likes good food so he's happy with that choice.

10:40am - Dogs are insistently following me around the house. Louie keeps smacking me on the foot with his paw, (which for a little dog, hurts!). Realize that I've forgotten to feed the pugs.

10:41am - Feed the dogs in their ritualistic fashion. Separately with different verbal commands for each. Different food, different meds.

10:50am - Son says I've forgotten to give him his vitamins. Break out vitamins for everyone! Resist urge for another Diet Pepsi.

11:20am - Realize that son's laundry is still in the washer from last night and he needs dry socks before going to school. Crap!

11:21am - Throw clothes from washer into dryer.

11:30am - Attempt to feed son lunch. He just wants to play.

11:45am - Nag son to finish his lunch. Realize that socks in dryer aren't dry, so tell son to wear sandals.

11:48am - Son can't find sandals.

11:55am - I can't find them either.

12:00pm - Son announces "my tummy is still hungry". Tell him too bad. He'll need to wait until snack time at school. He needs to learn that food isn't always "on demand".

12:05pm - Need to leave NOW for school, so throw son's garden clogs on him. Silently praise his school for not banning plastic shoes.

12:06pm - Find sandals in the back seat of car. Whatever.

12:30pm - Drop off child at school! Yeah! I made it!

I could go on, but I'll spare you. Motherhood is truly the most demanding, thankless, but wonderful job I'll ever have. Your child can bring you the worst during a day, but one hug, or kiss, or "You're the best mommy ever!" and it's all worth it.